The relationship with your ex-partner
Learn to negotiate with your ex-partner. If you have children, it is almost impossible to avoid some
relationship with your ex-partner. Handle the benefits of the children properly and prevent further problems. "You
may get something after three hours of fighting, but it can surely be achieved with just three words imbued with
affection". Confucius (Chinese Philosopher)
This article helps you:
1.To understand the importance of seeking a good relationship.
2.To know what to do.
Why do we need a good relationship?
Dealing with our ex-partner is usually difficult. However, during the divorce process and for many years, we
will have to deal with them, especially if we have children.
The conflicts that arise during and after the divorce can be very intense because:
- We recall the relationship and the situations that have made us suffer whenever we see our partner.
- Our negative emotions increase in intensity and new conflicts related to the negotiation of the divorce
- In some moments, there are desires for power, control and / or revenge that prevail in us. We want to beat them,
make them suffer and prove that we are the winners.
- Apparently, we no longer have any reason to try to reduce or soften the differences that led to divorce.
- We know our partner well and we know what their "weak and vulnerable" points are, so we know how to attack. And
so do they.
If we could not handle our differences and find solutions to our needs when we were married, it is much more
difficult now that we are driven by anger, frustration, guilt, etc. But if we have children, we must maintain a
certain relationship and learn to negotiate. We do not do it for us. We must do it for them.
So, before talking to your ex-partner, remember that children are very important and that it is very important
that they grow healthy and strong emotionally and that they should have:
1. Both parents, though living apart,
2. An atmosphere of tranquility and
3. A good example of how to handle conflicts.
What to do?
Always remember that there are three realities when it comes to the situations in a couple when negotiating:
- What you see and you live,
- What you partner sees and lives,
- What actually happens.
Try to imagine that someone you love, some of the opposite sex, is in a situation similar to your
How would you see their situation?
What would you like that person to be like?
Keep that in mind when talking with your ex-partner.
Remember that every one of you sees things and lives them in a different way, according to their nature, the
experiences lived, their values, beliefs and so on. It is hard to maintain a good marriage, but it is even harder
to have a good divorce. Work on your emotions as much as possible and seek the best solution with your mind and
Try to avoid conflict
There can be no conflict if there are not two or more persons who wish to have it.
We often engage in a fight because we have some thoughts like:
"I have to prove that I'm strong, so it
does not hurt me."
"If I cause so much pain, I'm going to get even."
"If I let the other get away with it, they will be more confident about themselves” and so on.
It is important to avoid confrontation with your ex-partner because:
- You avoid increased stress and
- It is easier to reach the necessary agreements if you allow your behavior to be driven by courage, the desire for
revenge and to prove who is the strongest.
It's easy to get angry when you feel attacked or criticized by your ex-partner, but counter-attacking or
defending only increases the anger and the conflict on both sides. Try to make the difference between feeling
attacked and being attacked. This difference is important.
When your ex-partner begins to attack, blame or criticize you, it's best to tell them, look them in the eye and
say: “I know you are angry and so am I, but I think the important thing is to reach an agreement that does not hurt
us more and that does not harm our children”.
Listen and try not to react to their words.
Remember that it is the attitude and the way of resolving the differences that you have that led to the divorce.
It is therefore important to seek new options. Listening does not mean agreeing or accepting everything they say,
but simply listening.
While listening, do not think about what you are going to respond.
Resist the temptation to yell or be derisive or offensive.
Do not use words like always, never, all or nothing.
Do not start your sentences with "you ..."
If you find it hard to talk to your ex-spouse, do it in writing, either by e-mail or through a note. Read what
you wrote before sending it and check whether you are attacking them or not.
Part of a realistic attitude
If you did not make your ex-spouse act as you wanted during all the years of your marriage, why do you think
you're going to accomplish it now? Remember you cannot control your ex-partner’s behavior, but you can control
yours.If your attitude changes, there is some chance that your ex-partner will also change. If you did something
that made you angry, such as being late to pick up the kids, do not argue then because your words will be produced
Help your ex-partner whenever you can.
Remember that what you "do for them" is something you're really doing for your children and even for yourself.
Trying to make things more difficult, especially in relation to the children is harmful to them.
Do not excuse your attacks, telling them that what they say is true. It may be true, but there is a way and
place to say things and a reason to say them. If yours is making the other angry, guilty and so on, what you say
may be true and "good", but it is destructive and you should avoid it.
Reevaluate what's important in your life
Reflect on what you really need and on why it is important to resolve your divorce and live a better life. Focus
on what you need and not on what you want. If you fight for everything you want or would like to have, the
litigation can take years.
Ask yourself what you are looking for before asking the other:
- You want to reach a good compromise for you and your children,
- You are courageous and you are trying to get even
- You want to show them you're strong, you look so good and you cannot get hurt?
Your attitude will depend on your true intentions. Try to be as honest as possible. Think carefully before
speaking. Learn to breathe and relax and do it before and during the negotiation. When finished, look for ways of
removing the tension: exercise, walk, sing and so on.
Your ex-partner will eventually respond appropriately if you adopt a calm attitude instead of a superior one.
How long will it take? It depends on them, on how angry or hurt they are and so on, but it is worth "holding" and
finally achieving the best deals for everyone.
If this is impossible, find a mediator, but make sure you choose someone who can mediate and who can be fair. Do
not look for a friend or a relative because things can get worse in the long run.
Learn to breathe properly, relax and manage the stress, especially during times when you need to be together and
negotiate something with regard to the children.
Improve your communication and learn about the relationship between your thoughts and your emotions, so that you
can control, reduce or avoid them. Also, learn how to manage your anger.