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The fault with a divorce

How to handle guilt and how to avoid the physical and emotional suffering

Who is to blame? What is the role of guilt in your life? "To err is human, but to blame another is yet more humane". Les Luthiers (group of humor).

This article helps you:

1 . To understand the negative aspects of guilt.
2 .- To realize where guilt comes from.
3 .- To know what to do.

The downside of the blame

Guilt is an important feeling in everyone's life.

We almost always find a culprit for the things that happen:

- We blame others
- We blame ourselves
- We blame life, luck, etc.

When is it our fault?

We have all been guilty many times. Guilt is one of the most paralyzing emotions. Usually, we do not try to fix things when we feel guilty. We just dwell on what happened and what we should have done or left undone. The more we think, the guiltier we feel, but we still do not do anything about it.

Besides making us feel bad, guilt makes us lose our mind and robs our life. When we get caught in the blame, we focus on the past, what we did or should have done and do nothing productive with only time we really can act: the present. No matter how much guilt we feel, it is all in the past and we cannot change anything, but feeling guilty makes us feel better.


If we did something wrong, we hurt someone and so on and we feel guilty, we believe that we are not so bad. We start from the idea that someone who feels no guilt is evil and we feel it.

Where does the blame lead?

Since childhood, we learn to blame others so that we do not feel bad or blame ourselves for almost everything that happens. This attitude is related to the education we receive and the influence of the culture in which we live. Here are some messages that influence us throughout life.

Messages like: “Nobody will want to play with you if you're not good", "I feel…. because of you" and so on.

Thus, we acquire a set of values that describes things and what we do as good or bad and that qualify us as a people. This scale of values governing our adult lives is reflected in what we believe our behavior should be. It shows our ideal self. If we do something good, we think of us as good. If we do something bad, we consider ourselves bad and look for a culprit.

When we do something wrong, we feel guilty although this is far from what we or people think we should be feeling like. The problem is not who has the blame, but what we do with it.

When we do wrong, it is important to acknowledge what the right thing is or not to commit the same error again. We should recognize that our conduct was inappropriate or wrong. Our behavior, not us. We cannot qualify ourselves according to what we do because we do many things, which are sometimes good, sometimes bad and we also do things on a regular basis. We may do bad things, but they are not always evil. They:

- May be due to ignorance,
- May be caused by failing to analyze a situation adequately,
- May occur because we got carried away by our emotions.
- May be errors and so on.

Guilt is good when we analyze our behavior. It is not good to us as individuals. If we get caught up in judging ourselves as individuals, we get stuck in guilt. Our fault is that there is self-reproach and self-accusations.

When we feel guilty about something, what is important is that we:

1. Recognize our behavior.
2. Accept the consequences it caused.
3. Analyze the reasons for our actions.
4. Correct them if possible or apologize.
5. Learn never to commit the same error again.

Doing so is called taking responsibility and it stands for emotional growth and psychological maturity.

When is it your ex-partner's fault?

Blaming others does not solve anything, but it is not useful to:
- Take responsibility if the responsibility is not yours.
- Play the role of victim and justify your behavior.
- Focus on the other in order to hide your pain.
- Feel angry and more energetic at the same time.

Both are responsible if the situation involves two people. Even if it is all physical, the striker is responsible for attacking and the other for allowing it, for doing nothing or for not leaving. Regardless of how guilty your ex-partner is, you do nothing to improve your situation if you focus on it.

What to do?

The first step is to recognize that it is all in the past and that nothing can change. Therefore, thoughts like: "if ..." or "I should have ..." are a waste of time and only make you suffer unnecessarily.

Discuss what happened. Discuss your behavior and its consequences. Are you sure your feeling of guilt is in proportion to what happened? Could it be a bit exaggerated? If it is exaggerated, find out if the fault is not covering other deeper feelings or ways of thinking which represent the real cause of your discomfort.

If the guilt you feel is directly related to what you did, accept it. Take responsibility for it, recognizing that it was the result of a decision. It may have been wrong or unintentional, but it was made by you.

Why do you think you acted like that? How did you feel? What were you thinking? What did you want? Analyze your answers and understand the real reason for your attitude. Sometimes, we have trouble being honest with ourselves because we are not accustomed to a detailed analysis or because we do not like what we find, but it is the only way to improve our lives.

Accept your feelings and thoughts as being normal given your situation and personality. However, understanding and accepting them without judging or criticizing yourself does not mean that there is no justification for them.

Ask yourself what you could do to improve the situation and increase your comfort. You cannot change the past, but what can you do now to improve things or solve the problems that resulted from your behavior? Would you apologize? Do it. Do not let false pride or what you think others may think prevent you from accepting your responsibility and from correcting your actions. This is not only for the person who was affected, but also for you.

Learn to separate your responsibility from the responsibility of others.

If you hurt someone and that person left and crashed, you are responsible for having hurt them, but if they got in the car and drove, they are responsible for having crashed. Neither are you responsible for someone else’s feelings.

Our emotions are not caused by the others’ actions and words, but by what we think of those facts or words. It does not matter what you say to a person if they do not care about your words because they will not feel bad. You agree not to feel guilty just because you blame others. You are entitled to be different, to think, feel and act differently from what they consider appropriate, but if your behavior has consequences, accept them, but do not feel guilty about them.

Check if the fault is not caused by perfectionism, exaggerated claims or your way of thinking. If it is, you were right. Remember that guilt is positive only when you can learn something about yourself from it and / or you can correct your behavior.

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