The consequences of divorce

The consequences of divorce are extremely painful and affect all areas of the life of the person who is divorcing: the personal area, the familial one, the economic one, the socia one and so on.

Is it the end or a new beginning?

"Our attitude and response to the divorce makes a difference between bitterness and hope for a better life." Silvia Russek. Are you tired of striving to resolve the crisis and the problems you are experiencing, but cannot find a way out?

How are you affected by the divorce?

Any divorce is difficult and painful for both partners, no matter who you ask and why. It is even difficult for the person who requests it because they have been a victim of physical or emotional abuse and it is a process that leaves deep scars.

But it is even more difficult when the marriage was good and stable because the good memories outnumber the bad ones and because the reaction of the family and friends is one of disbelief and, therefore, there may be little support.

A divorce affects all areas of a person’s life:
- Personal,
- Emotional,
- Parental,
- Economic,
- Family,
- Social,
- Work
- The practical aspects of daily life.

On a personal level, a divorce affects our self-esteem. The person, either male or female, feels rejected and / or unsuccessful. They feel guilty for failing to establish a better relationship or for not having prevented the divorce.
Feeling well is graded as poor, stupid, incompetent and so on and so forth, which damages their self-esteem.

The ex-partner and other people often blame them and also tell them what they should have done, which reinforces their low self-esteem.

- Personal and family identity.

Part of our self-image is the role we have played for many years. A divorce means there are no more spouses and we lose the identity of "the family together", etc. If these roles were important to us and we identified ourselves in them and lose them, we feel we lose a part of our personality.

- The way of seeing the world and our future.

When fear, anxiety, anger, depression, etc.,. are a constant in our daily lives, our thoughts are:

- Negative

- Extremist

- Rigid

- Depressive and so on.

This type of thinking makes us see our present and our future through lenses that darken and distort everything around us.

On an emotional level:

Anyone who divorces goes through intense feelings. An emotion can last for days or weeks or may be constantly changing on the same day. This situation occurs even in people who make the decision to divorce, either because of domestic violence, infidelity in the couple or a new love in their life.

However, when divorce is the result of a long crisis and conflict or when the person does not want a divorce, the emotions are more intense and drain you.

Among the most common feelings are:

- Sadness or depression because of the fact that the relationship has ended and the different losses involve divorce, dreams, expectations, identity, friends, etc.
- anger with yourself and your partner, you blame yourself for the breakdown and the damage the other has caused to the family,
- guilt
- revenge,
- relief
- confusion,
- ambivalence
- fear and worry about the future,
- uncertainty about the possibility of rebuilding a new life
- feelings of failure because of failing to prevent the problems in the couple or "save" the marriage
- fear of loneliness and / or of making wrong decisions,
- remorse, especially for the pain caused to others (children, parents, etc..) and so on.

All these feelings are normal. The intensity and duration depends on the characteristics of each person and each situation. It is up to each person to react well.

On a parental level:

The parents, both men and women, may feel that they have to cover both the role of mother and father when the children are with them. This could generate greater tension. They must bear the responsibility for their decisions and the aspects of the discipline of children, which may be new and difficult to perform.

They can be manipulated by their children or feel the fear that they do not want to be with them. They have to accept the decisions and behavior of their ex-partner with which they disagree, but which they do not take into account. They have to keep in mind that the divorce ends the relationship as a couple, but the contact between them and the decision-making regarding the children continues.

In the economical aspect:

A divorce usually involves major economic changes. Each of the partners will have their own costs of housing, food, etc., in addition to child support. If one has not worked, they will depend on the other and on their salary, so they have to manage.

If the husband does not give enough to cover the expenses or if the income is insufficient, the wife must learn to be deprived of many things, even of some that are necessary. When the man covers all the expenses for the children and pays a pension to the woman, the costs increase significantly and he does not always have sufficient income to live well off. Children also face economic changes, but they are not always accepted.

At the household level:

A divorce affects all the members of the immediate family to a greater or lesser extent.
The problems with children can arise because of several reasons:

- They may react aggressively towards one of the parents or towards both or towards their friends and teachers,
- They may be depressed,
- They may lower school performance,
- They may have significant behavioral problems and so on.

If there was a good relationship with the political family, the relationship is most likely terminated or changed.

With the family of origin, issues may arise because of several reasons:

- They do not give the support that the person who is divorcing expects,
- Parents or siblings, especially in the case of women, interfere in the decisions that must be taken,
- They are directly involved in the education of grandchildren or nephews, even against their parents’will and so on.

In the social aspect:

It reduces the amount of friends or changes the relationship with them, because the person ceases to participate in many activities of other couples performed. Sometimes, some friends take sides, creating tension or installing a feeling of rejection.

Friends may want to get involved, too, so they give advice or even emphasize what the person who is getting divorced "must" do or feel. This attitude leads to an emotional chaos.

In relation to work:

The emotional chaos that exists can affect the performance and motivation. There may be problems and difficulty concentrating or making decisions. If there is a lot of irritability or anger with the person, they can have problems with their coworkers, bosses, customers, etc.

If the woman has never worked, it is much more difficult for her to adapt as she is more vulnerable emotionally.

Aspects of daily life

If women did not work and now need to, they have less time to deal with the house and children. The woman needs to learn to arrange the payments, the car maintenance or the other activities that her husband was in charge with. This can create tension or a feeling of not having enough time for everything.

The man who is not accustomed to dealing with buying food, taking care of house cleaning and laundry, of the different issues relating to children, etc... must learn to do these things, which can cost thim work and stress. All these happen at a time when they are emotionally and psychologically weak and vulnerable.

What can be done?

Do not push yourself too much and remember that you are human and you're facing a very difficult and painful situation. According to the areas meantioned above, try to see which ones are affecting you more. You cannot make significant changes all at once, so decide which are the most important at this time.

Get support from your family or from the friends who will listen, but without encouraging your emotions. Try to be physically fit. Remember that this is a long-term situation and being sick not only does not help, but it also prevents you from acting appropriately. Read articles on breathing, relaxation and on insomnia, if you have trouble sleeping.

Find information on the management of the emotions you're experiencing. Although they are normal, they can remain indefinitely if you do not do anything about it.