The Causes Of Divorce
It is important to know the grounds for divorce, to understand what happened and avoid repeating the same
mistakes or to make a better choice in your next relationship.
You know what happened? Look for answers instead of feeling guilty.
"Men believe in surface fortune, they believe in circumstances. The strong believe in causes and effects". Ralph
Waldo Emerson (U.S. philosopher and poet).
Do not expect a "magic bullet" to resolve your crisis and problems!
Why is it so important to understand the causes of divorce?
Our lives, our conduct and the behavior of others are determined by causes and effects: things happen because
something provokes them. There could be one cause or a sum of several causes. Also, we may know them or not.
The causes can be obvious and undeniable.
For example: I am driving and I drop the phone, I bend down to pick it up and crash. It is easy to know the
cause in this case.
- Unclear or even unconscious
- Emotions, especially if they are expressed
- Habits of conduct and so on.
Why is it important to understand this relationship?
Several things can happen when you do not know the causes of divorce
- We repeat the same mistakes again and again
- We learn nothing of what is happening
- We assume things that may not have anything to do with reality, which can cause major problems or make us suffer
For example: My partner is in a bad mood and I, without clarifying it with him, I assume he is angry with
This assumption may provoke different emotions that make me feel bad (anger, sadness, worry, anxiety, etc.) and
/ or other such inappropriate behavior. This can lead to lawsuits or problems between us.
When you do not know the causes of your divorce, you can place the blame on the wrong person, your self-esteem can
be affected, you cannot forgive yourself or your former partner, you make wrong decisions and above all, you do not
learn from what happened and you will re-commit the same mistakes or similar ones in the future relationships with
The different causes of divorce
The causes may be internal and/or external.
These can occur in men as well as in women. They can occur in one of the spouses or in both.
1. Lack of knowledge of yourselves
2. Unfulfilled personal expectations
3. Intolerance of the differences of the couple
5. Lack of interest in improving the relationship
6. Personal dissatisfaction
7. Unjustified jealousy
8. Low self-esteem
9. One’s misconception of love
10. Lack of recognition and acceptance of the normal crises of the couple
11. Ceasing to love your partner
12. Lack of emotional involvement
13. By learning from previous experiences, especially from those from childhood.
Lack of knowledge of yourselves
When we do not know what we want and what bothers us, we deny many of our feelings and even many of the thoughts
and beliefs that determine our behavior.
This makes us not know the cause of our dissatisfaction and anger and blame others for our discomfort, distress or
This attitude does not prevent us from having problems, but increases our problems and prevents us from seeking
Unfulfilled personal expectations
When our idea of what our partner "ought" to be or what we "must" give is based on our desires and feelings and
not on the reality, there may be major problems in the relationship.
These expectations are based on our needs, wants and personality and the belief that if our partner wants us, we
will make them happy. This is a mistake. No one can make us feel good or meet idealized expectations.
Intolerance of the differences of the couple
Living together, there may be aspects regarding your partner that may displease you, aspects you did not
perceive or downplay during courtship.
In order to meet them, we ask the other to be different, without asking them if they can and want to change.
We do not seek a common path and seek the management of these differences.
The foundation of any good relationship is making each other want the same things.
It is reaching agreements, understanding and tolerating the differences and trying your best.
If both act well, the emotional distance is shortened.
A relationship cannot work when one member’s attitude is childish, irresponsible or overly dependent.
When this happens, the immature person expects the other to "make them happy", the other solves their problems
and their behavior tends to be capricious, inconstant and ineffective.
This attitude erodes the relationship and the couple finally gets tired.
Lack of interest in improving the relationship
All relationships have critical and difficult times.
When we really want a relationship, we are willing to work to improve it. This implies a personal effort, based
on the recognition of our responsibility and work related to our behavior as a couple. But above all, do not expect
the other to take the first step or to do everything that is needed. It does not matter who is "guilty". If you
want to fix things, be very attentive to what happens and act.
But when the basic cause of our conflicts as a couple is our personal dissatisfaction, we cannot ask the other
to fill our emotional voids in time. It is up to us to find out what happens and try to solve it.
Jealousy is a constant source of conflict and discomfort for both partners. When it is unjustified, it has a lot
more to do with our self-esteem than with our partner’s behavior.
Therefore, the solution is in our hands.
Our low self-esteem affects all the behaviors and attitudes of those who live around us.
In the relationship, when one member is insecure or both of them are very insecure, there is a negative attitude
that creates tension and discomfort.
- The person tends to be very dependent or seek constant approval and praise from their partner, which can be
burdensome for them.
- When you feel sick, insecure, criticized, attacked, etc., (which happens frequently), you ask your partner to
"make" you feel good.
- It is difficult to recognize their mistakes, apologize "responsibly" and act to remedy things.
- You can be very demanding and / or jealous.
One’s misconception of love
When this happens, the person believes and therefore hopes that the thrill and excitement of the first moment is
constant and that it lasts forever.
You can also think that love is enough to build a good relationship on, so you do not strive to improve
Lack of recognition and acceptance of the normal crises of the couple
If you do not accept that there are critical stages in all couples, when they arise, you see them as threatening
or as a synonym for the end of love and / or the relationship rather than seek the solution and adapt to "normal"
We cease to love our partner
It is important to distinguish between infatuation and mature love. Being in love does not last more than a few
years. Love can also be suppressed.
When this happens, it is important to analyze what has ended: the love, the infatuation or both.
Anger, resentment or misconceptions may prevent us from recognizing our true feelings for our partner.
Love can end because of conflict, tension which is poorly managed, constant disappointment, infidelity and so on
or it may never have existed and what we thought was love was just dependence, idealized love and so on.
Lack of emotional involvement
Commitment is an attitude. It is the desire and resolution to get involved with someone else, respecting and
trying your best because you want to.
The commitment is based on an agreement with yourself and / or the other and may be changed or terminated when
deemed necessary, accepting the consequences of your decision and behavior.
It is important to remember that a relationship is made of two people. In order to have a good relationship,
both must be present emotionally and willing to try their best.
By learning from previous experiences, especially from those from childhood
The experiences we live in childhood are the basis for many of our beliefs, fears and behaviors.
If you learned, for example, to end your problems or to believe that any man (or woman) is worth relying on or
not, you will struggle to solve the problems that arise in your relationships.
Here are some of the main external causes:
- Critical situations or problems of marriage and life
- Major communication problems
- Routine and boredom
- Domestic violence towards the partner or the children
- Alcoholism or drug addiction and so on.
- Critical situations
The critical or problematic situations are those that you do not know how to handle and that accumulate negative
feelings that lead to emotional distance and / or ongoing conflicts that destroy the relationship.
- An unwanted pregnancy
- Important diseases in a family member
- Sexual problems
- Economic problems
- Constant intervention of the family of either of the two spouses
-Major communication problems
These occur when you do not talk about what happens, when you attack the other, you stop talking about the
conflict, you fail to show respect and the bases that are created are resentment and emotional distance or
It can also happen that due to the occupations of both, the couple do not share anything or communicate and
reach mutual disinterest.
-Routine and boredom
This is when you feel apathetic and unmotivated to be with your family or to do something to improve the
relationship that seems to be terminated, whether you separate or continue your lives together.
-Domestic violence towards the other partner or the children
-Alcoholism or drug addiction
What to do?
Discuss what could be the cause of your divorce. Remember that there is generally more than one cause.
Focus on yourself, on the way you think this is all elated to your attitude towards life, your thoughts,
feelings and behavior.
Do not look guilty. Take responsibility for what you have to do.
Remember that a marriage takes two persons and a divorce also takes two. The important thing is not to feel
guilty or angry with yourself for what you did or failed to do, but to learn from your mistakes.
Although you do not currently see it, life goes on and there are many opportunities for you to be happy, but in
order to do that, you must learn from your mistakes, correct them when possible or prevent re-committing them.