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How To Recover From A Divorce

Divorce is not the end, but it is important to know how to recover from a divorce. When we overcome the divorce, it marks the end of a life and the beginning of a new one. Leave the pain behind. Move toward a beautiful future.

"There's a past that is gone forever, but the future is still ours". F.William Robertson (Scottish historian)

This article helps you:

1. Understand what it means to recover from a divorce.
2. To know the factors that influence the recovery from a divorce.
3. To know what to do.

What does recovering from divorce mean?

How long have you been divorced?
Have you already divorced legally?
What about emotionally?

We can refer to different aspects when it comes to getting a divorce, but three of the most important are:

  • The physical one, which is referred to when couples live in different places.
  • The emotional one, which can still occur when the two are married or it may never occur, although the partners are legally divorced and they have new partners.
  • The law, which is when the papers are signed and when everything takes place before the law and the marriage is terminated.

The divorce recovery refers to the emotional aspect as it refers to healing the wounds and the pain resulting from a marriage that ends, this usually being very difficult and the process that involves the termination being very difficult to overcome.

This process is usually very painful. Therefore, it is very important to avoid getting caught in the pain, bitterness or depression, so you can find a way to get stronger and you can start a new life.

Regardless of when you sign the legal divorce, the emotional divorce occurs when:

  • You can talk about your former partner, without feeling anger, resentment or revenge.
  • You have stopped complaining about what happened and so on.
  • You stop being:
    • Depressed;
    • Angry with yourself;
    • Blamed for;
    • Pitiful.
  • You accept that both of you were responsible for what happened, acknowledging your mistakes and understanding why they were mistakes in the first place.
  • You can think or talk about your marriage to your children or friends and remain calm when doing it.

When you have the above characteristics, you can be sure that you fully recovered from the divorce. However, recovery is a process that does not happen by itself. Your behavior and attitude can help you make progress or they can keep you rooted in hatred and resentment for a lifetime.

Each person is different and needs a different period of time to recover from a divorce physically and emotionally.

When you do not take the necessary time and you do not learn from what happened, it is likely that:

  • You keep your negative emotions (anger, bitterness, depression, etc..) for many years and that these have an impact on all areas of your life
  • You have big problems and probably end up divorced or separated if you get involved in a new relationship.

Elements that influence the divorce recovery

The time needed to recover from a divorce and the quality of that recovery depend on:

  • The reason for the divorce. It is not the same if you get a divorce because there is boredom or because the two parties have nothing in common and if you get divorced because one of you was physically abusing the other or you were unfaithful to your partner.
  • Who made the decision. It's different when you made the decision together than when one wants a divorce and the other does not want it. It is different when the divorce is decided after months or years of litigation and when a party suddenly tells the other: "I want to get a divorce".
  • The characteristics of each person. It is less difficult for a person who has high self-esteem, who is emotionally strong and independent to heal the wounds of the broken marriage and the divorce than for someone who has low self-esteem and who is very dependent.
  • The lifestyle of each. A person who is satisfied with their personal, work, social group, etc. does not react like someone who is not.
  • Your personal beliefs. We all have certain beliefs that determine part of our attitude towards life. The person who is very rigid in their thinking and, for example, believes that "Divorce is a failure and that if you fail once, you will fail again", “They have always had very bad luck" and so on is will have a harder time recovering than one who has more positive beliefs or who is more flexible and easy to change.
  • Your ability to accept your mistakes and to learn from them. When you recognize your mistakes, you learn from them and determine your responsibilities, you can leave the past behind and move forward. When you do not know how to do that, you get stuck in denial or blame.
  • The ability to manage your emotions. Only when you recognize your emotions, express them appropriately and learn to manage them, monitor them and avoid the divorce can you leave the pain behind.

What to do?

Analyze yourself, your marriage and your partner’s feelings. Make a list and write each of your feelings, leaving space to write down those that arise as you work to recover from the divorce. Remember that your emotions can change every day or every moment, so the sadness you feel at this moment can turn into anger or disappointment a few minutes later.

There may also be mixed emotions, which are difficult to detect or identify. Do not worry if it is difficult to separate or detect them at first, as you will achieve it little by little. Your behavior, your thoughts and the comments you get from people can help you.

Do not get angry when people tell you that you look sad, angry and so on. Listen to their point of view, analyze it, see if they may have a point and if you do not think they have, just ignore them. But if several people tell you the same thing, it is most likely that what they say is true.

Divorce and especially the reason for a divorce always generate a series of thoughts about your ex-partners and yourselves. These thoughts cause your feelings, make you qualify yourselves and often affect your self-esteem. Analyze each of them and change them if they seem wrong. Work on your self-esteem.

In almost all of the cases, the decision-maker feels guilty and the other person feels angry or devalued, among other emotions they feel. Work with the emotions that you are having and look for any hidden ones that you are denying or justifying in order to avoid feeling bad.

Analyze your personal characteristics, lean on your strengths (everyone has them and you can see them even in these difficult times) and work on your weaknesses. Search for activities or people that can help you feel better, so that you can recover better and feel prevented from doing it.

Review your personal beliefs, because they can represent the biggest obstacle in your way. Divorce does not imply failure, but errors, but if you do not learn from the past, you will keep on committing them. Check the errors that you may have committed, but do not cling on to your partner’s. Learn to identify those who are really responsible.

Do not worry. You can learn what you do not know or what you cannot do. If you need help, seek it, but look for it in the right person. Give yourself time. Remember that nothing is built in a day, but every step brings you closer to the goal.

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