Getting Separated Is A Difficult Decision
Why is it so difficult decision to say enough? That's what I try to bring in this note.
We often see couples who do not succeed in maintaining the love that there used to be in the beginning. Even the
communication is worse than before, but the decision to separate is the hardest thing for most people. Many are
afraid of loneliness, of having to go on without a partner, of being alone for life and prefer to continue living
with their everyday anxieties.
There can be many causes, but the result is one: loneliness. The fear of being alone is the main factor that
directly affects the decision to leave or not. Everything that comes after the divorce is new to that person,
especially if it occurs after a marriage which lasted for many years. It is more like fear of the unknown.
There are few moments in an individual’s life that require many changes, such as the passage of a state one
partner has and its replacement with another state of being alone. It is passing from the state of security
provided by the link to the uncertainty the separation brings. Separation involves entering a new space the rules
of which are not very clear yet.
This new place is inhabited by fears and dangers. The real or imagined threats lurking after separation do not
always relate to existential problems. Sometimes, the fears are concrete, you can feel the fear of suffering and of
loneliness every day. Some fears can pass through material objects: books, furniture, home, etc. What will happen
to all that after the separation? Who will do the housework now that she or he is gone?
As in all cases of human life, there is also the fear of a certain gender. Faced with the possibility of
separation, people are afraid of most household chores and they face problems in matters having to do mostly with
the stereotypes of male roles, such as money management.
Psychologists say that the problem with men is that they are never prepared to live alone. They always need the
female to pursue a home, just like women need a husband that provides containment and a sense of security.
Those who suffer most are those women whose husband used to do the maintenance, while they only engaged in
cleaning the house, caring for children, doing the shopping, etc. Once separated, the change is even more abrupt,
so that the fear of managing alone is bigger.
The economic fear is a major cause to rethink a separation. Being accustomed to a life in which the costs are
shared or provided by the man and in which everything else is paid by the woman, it is very complicated and
difficult to make the decision to get separated.
After separation, there are aspects of the everyday life that will inevitably change, both for men and for
women. In both cases, you have to take care of things that the other was exclusively responsible for.
Another big fear is of love. This fear is also often transformed into shame and it increases with age. Being
used to a body or with seeing a single person naked, people are ashamed of meeting someone else and starting all
over again. The beginning of a sexual experience after having been married or involved in a relationship for a long
time is difficult because they may be faced with a new person who may be accustomed to other times and habits. Both
men and women have these fears and the issue affects them even more physically as they get older, especially women.
The effects are not equal from a physical point of view, a spiritual or a psychological one.
You can always start over
Fear can paralyze. Even in situations of infidelity, fear can win a battle when making a decision. Many people
live with that guilt on their head, but, at the same time, do not want to leave their partners only for fear of
Just as the life of every human being ha different stages, there are also different stages with a divorce. This
process will bring feelings of grief, guilt, sadness, anger and, above all, an experience of helplessness. You
should not skip any steps and learn to live with that.
Family crises are moments in which all the projects planned are suspended and nothing new appears either. It is
a time when people go into shock, alienation, anticipation, surprise, etc. The word “crisis” means two things in
Chinese: threat and opportunity. That is what every crisis is. It is a threat to the couple which has very high
expectations, but it is also an opportunity for change.
So what you should do is try to transform that threat into an opportunity. It is an opportunity to start
something new, something healthier, something that gives you the happiness that the former partner used to give
Fears obviously do not disappear overnight. First, you must take a painful journey, one full of stones, to
support change and to fight against the force of habit. It is very difficult to change when you're used to a
certain pace. Supposedly, one is better off separated, but when the time comes, everything falls apart. There are
things that become notorious, like not having anyone by your side when something happens, not feeling another's
skin in bed, another’s breathing and so on. It is just a matter of time and habit, but you will definitely present
these symptoms if something irreversible is about to happen.
Another very common fear, especially in men, is losing daily contact with the children. Most of kids live with
their mothers and lose contact with their dad, especially if they are little; therefore, it is very painful for
separated parents. Also, if the woman or the man gets a new partner and they come in contact with the children,
there is the fear of losing them and of them falling in love with this new person.
Breaking up is somewhat complex, but if the situation does not allow for more, it is the best way to end a life
of suffering, to try to start over and to achieve happiness.