Extramarital Affairs

We sometimes find people in our path that can be attractive at first sight as far as their nature is concerned, their attitudes toward life or they can simply be a new stimulus to revitalize our daily lives. Also, we often confuse our attraction to that person and misinterpretations appear.

Much of the infidelity occurs with old colleagues and friends who know nothing for some time.

It is easy to confuse the initial excitement and stimulation that this new contact gives us with a special attraction. What if we have known this person for quite some time? Why do they attract us now? Surely the answer lies more in us than in the other.

The most common causes

There are a number of factors that may influence the occurrence of infidelity:

• First, the monotony in our lives, not just in the couple, but in other more general aspects (work, family, friends, etc.).
  
• Covering up and denying the fact that we have fallen out of love.
  
• Periods of stress or harassment which we are dealt with every day. We are immersed in a sac with little positive stimulation.
  
• Infidelity serves as an escape route before an unpleasant family situation.
  
• Very special personality traits: irresponsibility, an emotional, dreamy, hopeful person, one not very impulsive, difficulty controlling external and new situations, passivity, low resolution, a good quitter and so on.
  
• Communication difficulties with the current partner or more serious problems: drugs, gambling, alcohol, aggression, etc.

An exhilarating experience

When a member of the couple has sex outside of marriage, there is an initial phase of infatuation and illusion similar to that occurring at other times and with other partners.

Typically, infidelity is maintained by the excitement and stimulation that lead the meetings. The underground booster serves a situation which is scary a priori but which then becomes the dose of excitement that we need in our daily lives. Our lives are no longer monotonous and we have a reason to be happy and excited.

Often, they are relations that are maintained for long and that are hard to break and establishing a link that works like a drug relaxes people when they do not have that person close to them (they cannot stop thinking about it, they recall the good times, they look forward to the next meeting, etc.)…

Back to normal

Generally, this initial phase of infatuation has to end eventually and this is where infidelity comes in. Sometimes, it may happen that one of the members feels true love and then suffers when the breakup occurs just like it would happen in any normal relationship.

In these situations, returning to the couple and trying to solve the situation will be complicated. The spouse will ask for commitment and you will not be able to give because you are in a period of mourning the loss of someone dear. You cannot commit again, not even with your real partner.

The feelings about it may be very different from true repentance to indifference, to despair, infatuation, full responsibility for the act committed, depression, denial, blaming others, etc.

Is it just an adventure ... or something else?

• Rate individually whether it is worth continuing this relationship. Look at the pros and cons, look at what this person brings you in your life and if it can all be replaced by other things just as exciting.
  
• Think about your current situation and imagine the future with this person. Would you like it, would you be interested?
  
• Talk to your partner and look at the whys and at the reasons why you cover your lover's needs and whether they can connect to other things. Also, look at where you dropped out of guarding them, when and why, each taking your share of responsibility. A couple breaks up because of the two, not just because of one of the partners.
  
• Looking for positive reinforcement for your partner, so that they feel valued and that you increase your security. Please note that after infidelity, your partner becomes suspicious of everything. Looking for truce is normal.
  
• Amend your relationship, seek time to talk and be together, try to return to the beginning when everything was going well and recover assets that you both liked.
  
• Do not do anything at first. Remember you are in the initial phase of fantasy and joy, but that you will not always be. This person also has flaws, like everyone else, seek them and rate them so that you do not get carried away.
  
• Make a decision together with your partner, do not let time pass without doing anything and do not talk. Think if you want to recover what you had or if you prefer to break the relationship. Whatever it is that you want, you need some time to reflect and clarify your ideas.
  
• Value your way of being and take a reading: Are you impulsive? Do you let go easily? Do you get excited about anything? If so, be careful, you can be mistaken and what is pink today will be black tomorrow.
  
• Help your partner to accept the situation: what has happened cannot be solved, but you can improve the future. If you decide well, forget the blame and get off the bar of perfection in a partner as it is impossible for them to meet all your new requirements, because the level of demand will grow once the infidelity has occurred. You can regulate the situation, but you will be unhappy forever.

Note that we must always be responsible for our actions and blamed for them. There are others involved in this dynamic, too and the blame can be apportioned among the different members, but we must never deny our share of responsibility.

Do not forget that guilt is a useless paralyzed feeling and that it does not solve the problem. Get to work and seek an alternative which is viable for everyone.