Different Types of Divorce
There are different types of divorce. Sometimes, it is the best or the only option, but we can always choose
between a peaceful or a destructive divorce. How would you end?
Find the best solution.
"Never cut what you can untie". Joseph Joubert (French essayist and moralist)
This article helps you:
1. To understand what the two types of divorce are
2. To know what to do
Our objectives before the divorce
When we talk about filing a divorce, we can choose according to our attitudes and objectives. It can be:
1. Destructive or
2. Calm and constructive.
The destructive divorce
The constant element with this type of divorce is try to hurt and / or destroy the other.
At what cost? Whatever.
And we hurt ourselves and our children on the way, too. The destructive divorce involves a constant struggle,
based on feelings of revenge and hatred.
You may be tricked into believing that there may be a winner and you want the winner to be you. You do not
realize how it affects you and you maintain a constant war against your ex-partner.
There is no divorce in which one loses everything and the other wins everything. Perhaps it may seem so when we
see things "from outside”, but everyone loses in a divorce.
However, we can have a divorce which does not involve so many people getting hurt or we can have an ending with
everyone getting very hurt and the wounds will take much longer to heal.
The divorce alone
When you start the divorce itself, it is difficult for the two parties to want the divorce to be as quiet and as
painless as possible.
Usually, we feel courage and / or pain and we want the other to suffer more than us, but have you thought about
the emotional cost of the war, of the economic one and so on?
When we spend many hours planning the suffering of others, we are bound to feel angry and resentful and we are
Is it worth destroying us trying to destroy or cause suffering to another? Why increase the pain if you suffered
in the past and you are experiencing a painful situation?
Also, the more difficult the divorce, the more painful it is for the children.
What is more important to you: to keep your pride (false pride) or the welfare of your children?
Divorce is a process that has a beginning and an end, but the end is not the same with the moment in which you
sign the papers. The end is when your pain fades away and you start a new, quiet and good life.
A person may be divorced for fifty years and still be trapped in the loss, pain and resentment caused by the
A quiet divorce or "a good divorce" means that the parents are no longer a couple, but they are still good
parents, i.e. they support the other’s decisions and rules or agree on important issues. They both seek the welfare
of the children.
The father and mother encourage the children to have a good relationship with the ex-partner’s family. Each
parent is responsible with taking care of the children and for their own behavior.
What to do?
The first thing you need to do in order to carry out a good divorce is to work with your negative emotions: your
anger, guilt, sadness, despair, fear, etc.
Only by recognizing, accepting and working with your emotions can you prevent them from taking control over
Secondly, it is important to be aware as much as possible that this type of divorce is the best for you and your
children. It is the best for you because you avoid more suffering and physical and emotional stress and it helps
you grow and it strengthens you.
It is the best for your children because:
- It prevents feel caught between the father and the mother, reducing their feelings of guilt, fear and
- They learn to handle conflicts properly.
- It gives them security and peace.
Ask yourself the following thing before talking to your ex-partner and acting in any way: Why or what do you get?
What consequences will your wanting to win at all costs have on your children? In what way can you hurt yourself
because of that attitude?
Be careful whose advice you take. Most of the people are focused on a warlike attitude towards your ex-partner:
"Do not let the other win", "Get the money from the bank before he or she does", "Attack him for hurting you" and
This creates a vicious circle and both of you attack increasingly in order to win or at least in order for the
other to lose. Remember that no one wins in a divorce, so it is best to try to reduce the losses and the
Remember the words of the British statesman and philosopher, Sir Francis Bacon: "A person who wants revenge
keeps their wounds".
Only protect yourself if you are absolutely sure that your ex-partner is going to damage everything.
See their attitude before you start attacking and negotiating. The key to avoiding many of the conflicts is to
prevent another from feeling threatened.
If your ex-spouse wants to argue, fight or insult you, do not play their game. Remember that words are just
words and they can only hurt you when you give them importance.
If you cannot talk to your partner and find a peaceful way of getting a divorce, see if there is someone who can
find that peaceful method. It may be someone close to your partner and tell them to explain the benefits of
carrying out a good divorce.
Check the communication problems, how to improve your communication, so that you can have more tools to face
Do not let the stress grow uncontrollably. It's a feeling you cannot help right now, but everything should go a
lot better if you manage to handle it.